Wednesday, December 23, 2009
April Fool
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the
upcoming Easter and Passover holy days.
He hired an attorney to bring a
discrimination case against
Christians, Jews and observances
of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honour, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honour, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, “there is no God”.’
'Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the
upcoming Easter and Passover holy days.
He hired an attorney to bring a
discrimination case against
Christians, Jews and observances
of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honour, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honour, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, “there is no God”.’
'Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
God’s Spy
The pastor was concerned about
Samuel. He hardly came to church
anymore. On one of Samuel’s rare appearances, the pastor pulled Samuel aside and said, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
“I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
“Then how come I don’t see you except at Christmas?”
Samuel looked in all directions to be sure he was not overheard. Then he whispered, “I’m in the secret service.”
The pastor was concerned about
Samuel. He hardly came to church
anymore. On one of Samuel’s rare appearances, the pastor pulled Samuel aside and said, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
“I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
“Then how come I don’t see you except at Christmas?”
Samuel looked in all directions to be sure he was not overheard. Then he whispered, “I’m in the secret service.”
Good News, Bad News
An artist walked into the gallery where his work was being displayed. “Has anyone come in to see my paintings?” he asked the gallery owner.
“I have good new and bad news,” said the owner. “The good news is that a lady inquired about your work and wondered if your paintings would appreciate in value after your death. I told her they certainly would. She bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The lady was your doctor.”
An artist walked into the gallery where his work was being displayed. “Has anyone come in to see my paintings?” he asked the gallery owner.
“I have good new and bad news,” said the owner. “The good news is that a lady inquired about your work and wondered if your paintings would appreciate in value after your death. I told her they certainly would. She bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The lady was your doctor.”
The Pastor's Ass
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race, and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race..
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is:
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life.
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race, and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race..
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is:
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life.
True Hospital Stories
These are all good and apparently true British hospital stories.
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a *'massive internal fart.' *
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
\Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent \
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked ..' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a *'massive internal fart.' *
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
\Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent \
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked ..' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Genesis Today
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
The children in the Kindergarten class seemed to be very intense as they drew a picture of how Eve was created.
Later in the week the mother of one of the kindergarten boys noticed him lying down as though he were ill. “I have a pain in my side,” said the boy. “I think I’m going to have a wife.”
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
The children in the Kindergarten class seemed to be very intense as they drew a picture of how Eve was created.
Later in the week the mother of one of the kindergarten boys noticed him lying down as though he were ill. “I have a pain in my side,” said the boy. “I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Christ the King
Christ the King of All
Shortly after her Coronation, Queen Victoria attended a splendid performance of Handel’s Messiah. She’d been told in no uncertain terms that members of royalty do not stand with everybody else when the Hallelujah Chorus is sung. It was simply not proper.
But when the singers lifted their voices to shout “Hallelujah, the Lord omnipotent reigneth”, she cold only just stay in her seat. She didn’t want to violate the traditions of royalty.
And when the chorus came to the climax, proclaiming Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, repeating the phrase with increasing crescendos, the queen of all England and the British Empire rose and bowed her head before Jesus Christ, the King of all – including all earthly kings and queens.
There will come that day when every knee in heaven and earth will bow before him, “And he shall reign for ever and ever! King of Kings and Lord of Lords!”
Shortly after her Coronation, Queen Victoria attended a splendid performance of Handel’s Messiah. She’d been told in no uncertain terms that members of royalty do not stand with everybody else when the Hallelujah Chorus is sung. It was simply not proper.
But when the singers lifted their voices to shout “Hallelujah, the Lord omnipotent reigneth”, she cold only just stay in her seat. She didn’t want to violate the traditions of royalty.
And when the chorus came to the climax, proclaiming Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, repeating the phrase with increasing crescendos, the queen of all England and the British Empire rose and bowed her head before Jesus Christ, the King of all – including all earthly kings and queens.
There will come that day when every knee in heaven and earth will bow before him, “And he shall reign for ever and ever! King of Kings and Lord of Lords!”
Christ the King
Christ the King of All
Shortly after her Coronation, Queen Victoria attended a splendid performance of Handel’s Messiah. She’d been told in no uncertain terms that members of royalty do not stand with everybody else when the Hallelujah Chorus is sung. It was simply not proper.
But when the singers lifted their voices to shout “Hallelujah, the Lord omnipotent reigneth”, she cold only just stay in her seat. She didn’t want to violate the traditions of royalty.
And when the chorus came to the climax, proclaiming Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, repeating the phrase with increasing crescendos, the queen of all England and the British Empire rose and bowed her head before Jesus Christ, the King of all – including all earthly kings and queens.
There will come that day when every knee in heaven and earth will bow before him, “And he shall reign for ever and ever! King of Kings and Lord of Lords!”
Shortly after her Coronation, Queen Victoria attended a splendid performance of Handel’s Messiah. She’d been told in no uncertain terms that members of royalty do not stand with everybody else when the Hallelujah Chorus is sung. It was simply not proper.
But when the singers lifted their voices to shout “Hallelujah, the Lord omnipotent reigneth”, she cold only just stay in her seat. She didn’t want to violate the traditions of royalty.
And when the chorus came to the climax, proclaiming Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, repeating the phrase with increasing crescendos, the queen of all England and the British Empire rose and bowed her head before Jesus Christ, the King of all – including all earthly kings and queens.
There will come that day when every knee in heaven and earth will bow before him, “And he shall reign for ever and ever! King of Kings and Lord of Lords!”
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Just Add Water
Comedian Yakov Smirnoff: when he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk—you just add water, and you get milk.
Then I saw powdered orange juice--you just add water, and you get orange juice.
And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to myself,
"What a country!"
Comedian Yakov Smirnoff: when he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk—you just add water, and you get milk.
Then I saw powdered orange juice--you just add water, and you get orange juice.
And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to myself,
"What a country!"
Believe it or Not
The Bishop of the Arctic many years ago put together a team to translate the Bible into the Inuit language.
The team found it hard to find the correct translation for the word “joy,” which was important because it is used in the New Testament at least 60 times. They could find 37 words for snow but that wasn’t helpful.
So one day the Bishop said to the Eskimo people: “Look at those huskies over there. They have finished their work for the day. The word we want is the word that describes what those huskies are experiencing.”
Some months later, when the Inuit Bible translation was completed, it was Easter at a local church and this is the English equivalent of what the congregation heard when a woman got up to read the lesson:
“The disciples were in the upper room for fear of discovery and Jesus appeared to them. And when the disciples saw the Lord they wagged their tails!”
The Bishop of the Arctic many years ago put together a team to translate the Bible into the Inuit language.
The team found it hard to find the correct translation for the word “joy,” which was important because it is used in the New Testament at least 60 times. They could find 37 words for snow but that wasn’t helpful.
So one day the Bishop said to the Eskimo people: “Look at those huskies over there. They have finished their work for the day. The word we want is the word that describes what those huskies are experiencing.”
Some months later, when the Inuit Bible translation was completed, it was Easter at a local church and this is the English equivalent of what the congregation heard when a woman got up to read the lesson:
“The disciples were in the upper room for fear of discovery and Jesus appeared to them. And when the disciples saw the Lord they wagged their tails!”
Evolution vs Creationism
Evolution vs Creationism
A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'
A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'
Heavenly Surprise
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp:
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why's everyone so quiet,
So sombre - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
At the thought of seeing you.'
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp:
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why's everyone so quiet,
So sombre - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
At the thought of seeing you.'
Plenty of Room in Heaven
Revelation 21:16 "The city lies foursquare, its length the same as its width; and he measured the city with his rod, fifteen hundred miles; its length and width and height are equal."
So assuming that these measurements, and their translation into English, are anything like accurate, the New Jerusalem is a cube, 1500 miles on a side. If we divide this cube into smaller cubes, one half mile on a side, then we could have 3000 floors, each floor containing nine million quarter sections (i.e. one quarter of a square mile, 160 acres each with the ceiling a half mile overhead. Since there's no marriage, we'll each get to homestead our own quarter section, living a half mile from our nearest neighbour in any direction. That's twenty-seven billion residents!
Once that's filled up we start building the subdivisions.
If you figure each of the 3000 floors is "reserved" for one generation of people. And that a generation is 20 years (give or take).
Then the world will end precisely 60,020 years after the creation of Adam and Eve.
Let's see, some folks figure it was 4000 years from Adam to Abraham; and another 4000 from Abraham to Christ.
It’s been roughly 2000 since Christ.
That's 10,000 years.
Which means we have another 50,020 years to go.
Revelation 21:16 "The city lies foursquare, its length the same as its width; and he measured the city with his rod, fifteen hundred miles; its length and width and height are equal."
So assuming that these measurements, and their translation into English, are anything like accurate, the New Jerusalem is a cube, 1500 miles on a side. If we divide this cube into smaller cubes, one half mile on a side, then we could have 3000 floors, each floor containing nine million quarter sections (i.e. one quarter of a square mile, 160 acres each with the ceiling a half mile overhead. Since there's no marriage, we'll each get to homestead our own quarter section, living a half mile from our nearest neighbour in any direction. That's twenty-seven billion residents!
Once that's filled up we start building the subdivisions.
If you figure each of the 3000 floors is "reserved" for one generation of people. And that a generation is 20 years (give or take).
Then the world will end precisely 60,020 years after the creation of Adam and Eve.
Let's see, some folks figure it was 4000 years from Adam to Abraham; and another 4000 from Abraham to Christ.
It’s been roughly 2000 since Christ.
That's 10,000 years.
Which means we have another 50,020 years to go.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Stewardship
A notorious miser was called on by the chairman of the community charity. 'Sir,' said the fund-raiser, 'our records show that despite your wealth, you've never once given to our drive.'
'Do your records show that I have an elderly mother who was left penniless when my father died? fumed the tightwad. 'Do your records show that I have a disabled brother who is unable to work? Do your records show I have a widowed sister with small children who can barely make ends meet?'
'No, sir,' replied the embarrassed volunteer. 'Our records don't show those things.'
'Well, I don't give to any of them, so why should I give anything to you?'
Head Hog
The door to the church office opened and a man walked in and asked to speak to the Head Hog at the Trough
"Sir, if you mean our pastor," the secretary replied sharply, "you will have to treat him with more respect - and ask for "the Reverend" or "the Pastor." But you certainly cannot call him the Head Hog at the Trough!"
"Oh, I see," said the man. Well, I have ten thousand dollars I was thinking about donating to the Building Fund."
"Stay where you are!" the secretary cried, jumping up from her chair. "I'll go get the Big Pig for you."
'Do your records show that I have an elderly mother who was left penniless when my father died? fumed the tightwad. 'Do your records show that I have a disabled brother who is unable to work? Do your records show I have a widowed sister with small children who can barely make ends meet?'
'No, sir,' replied the embarrassed volunteer. 'Our records don't show those things.'
'Well, I don't give to any of them, so why should I give anything to you?'
Head Hog
The door to the church office opened and a man walked in and asked to speak to the Head Hog at the Trough
"Sir, if you mean our pastor," the secretary replied sharply, "you will have to treat him with more respect - and ask for "the Reverend" or "the Pastor." But you certainly cannot call him the Head Hog at the Trough!"
"Oh, I see," said the man. Well, I have ten thousand dollars I was thinking about donating to the Building Fund."
"Stay where you are!" the secretary cried, jumping up from her chair. "I'll go get the Big Pig for you."
Fathers’ Day
A young boy was driving a horse-drawn hay cart down the road, and it turned over right in front of a farmer's house. The farmer came out, saw the young boy crying, and said, "Son, don't worry about this, we can fix it. Right now dinner's ready. Why don't you come in and eat with us and then I'll help you put the hay back on the cart."
The boy said, "No, I can't. My father is going to be very angry with me."
The farmer said, "Now don't worry, just come in and have some lunch and you'll feel better."
The boy said, "I'm just afraid my father is going to be very angry with me." The farmer and the young boy went inside and had dinner.
Afterwards, as they walked outside to the hay cart, the farmer said, "Son, don't you feel better now?"
The boy said, "Yes but I just know that my father will be very angry with me."
The farmer said, "Nonsense. Where is your father anyway?"
The boy said, "He's under that pile of hay."
A young boy was driving a horse-drawn hay cart down the road, and it turned over right in front of a farmer's house. The farmer came out, saw the young boy crying, and said, "Son, don't worry about this, we can fix it. Right now dinner's ready. Why don't you come in and eat with us and then I'll help you put the hay back on the cart."
The boy said, "No, I can't. My father is going to be very angry with me."
The farmer said, "Now don't worry, just come in and have some lunch and you'll feel better."
The boy said, "I'm just afraid my father is going to be very angry with me." The farmer and the young boy went inside and had dinner.
Afterwards, as they walked outside to the hay cart, the farmer said, "Son, don't you feel better now?"
The boy said, "Yes but I just know that my father will be very angry with me."
The farmer said, "Nonsense. Where is your father anyway?"
The boy said, "He's under that pile of hay."
Monday, April 13, 2009
Easter FAQ
What do rabbits have to do with Easter?
Absolutely nothing. The rabbit is an ancient symbol of Oestra, Ishtar, and Ashtoreth. Considering the rabbit’s fertility, it is an appropriate emblem of these goddesses of fertility. This pagan symbol seems to have hung on for centuries, even though the goddesses it represents are long forgotten.
The “bunny” has become a deeply embedded symbol of secular Easter celebrations, but it will not be seen as a Christian symbol in any church (at least ! sincerely hope not!).
And what about eggs?
The egg has a distinctly Christian symbolism.
The chick emerging from the egg is symbolic of Christ emerging from the tomb. Early Christians would cut off the end of an egg and remove the contents, leaving the empty shell as a symbol of the empty tomb. It’s obvious that such a joyful symbol should be gaily decorated, and by the Middle Ages, Easter egg decoration had become a fine art form in many regions. By the time Fabergé wrought his magnificent jewelled eggs, the religious significance of them had been all but forgotten (although Tsar Nicholas gave a Fabergé egg to the Empress Alexandra every year at Easter).
The idea of the Easter bunny laying coloured Easter eggs is pure American whimsy.
Absolutely nothing. The rabbit is an ancient symbol of Oestra, Ishtar, and Ashtoreth. Considering the rabbit’s fertility, it is an appropriate emblem of these goddesses of fertility. This pagan symbol seems to have hung on for centuries, even though the goddesses it represents are long forgotten.
The “bunny” has become a deeply embedded symbol of secular Easter celebrations, but it will not be seen as a Christian symbol in any church (at least ! sincerely hope not!).
And what about eggs?
The egg has a distinctly Christian symbolism.
The chick emerging from the egg is symbolic of Christ emerging from the tomb. Early Christians would cut off the end of an egg and remove the contents, leaving the empty shell as a symbol of the empty tomb. It’s obvious that such a joyful symbol should be gaily decorated, and by the Middle Ages, Easter egg decoration had become a fine art form in many regions. By the time Fabergé wrought his magnificent jewelled eggs, the religious significance of them had been all but forgotten (although Tsar Nicholas gave a Fabergé egg to the Empress Alexandra every year at Easter).
The idea of the Easter bunny laying coloured Easter eggs is pure American whimsy.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Lent
Christians observe Lent as a time of reflection, repentance, fasting, abstinence, and acts of mercy. Perhaps you'll see a friend this week with ashes conspicuously smeared in the middle of her forehead. Maybe your colleague has mentioned giving up chocolate or beer.
In a culture that encourages indulgence, ashes signify an outrageously counter-cultural act of humility. As a time when we acknowledge that not all is well with our souls, and lament the pain of so many people in our world, Lent appeals as the most sensible and realistic liturgical season of the year.
Ash Wednesday gets its name from the liturgical rite of dabbing ashes on the forehead of worshipers. The ashes remind us of our mortality. God spoke to Adam in Genesis 3:19, “for dust you are, and to dust you will return.” In the Bible ashes are also a symbol of mourning (2 Samuel 13:19, Jeremiah 6:26), a stark metaphor that even Jesus invokes (Matthew 11:21). Ashes also signify an inner attitude of repentance, humility, self-denial, and abstinence.
Lenten humility is not an end in itself, some act of morbid self-hatred or self-denial. Unlike the implications of the scientific outlook, Lent anticipates and culminates in the Easter celebration of resurrection life. Whatever else Christians believe, we believe that God in Christ will vanquish sin and death, and so we're the ultimate optimists who affirm life. But until then, Lent reminds us that Easter's celebration of life must pass through the narrow and bitter way of death. Jesus rose from the dead, but not before he died a real death; our hope is for the same. That's why at this time of year Christians find it entirely healthy and human to "remember death".
Daniel Clendenin
Christians observe Lent as a time of reflection, repentance, fasting, abstinence, and acts of mercy. Perhaps you'll see a friend this week with ashes conspicuously smeared in the middle of her forehead. Maybe your colleague has mentioned giving up chocolate or beer.
In a culture that encourages indulgence, ashes signify an outrageously counter-cultural act of humility. As a time when we acknowledge that not all is well with our souls, and lament the pain of so many people in our world, Lent appeals as the most sensible and realistic liturgical season of the year.
Ash Wednesday gets its name from the liturgical rite of dabbing ashes on the forehead of worshipers. The ashes remind us of our mortality. God spoke to Adam in Genesis 3:19, “for dust you are, and to dust you will return.” In the Bible ashes are also a symbol of mourning (2 Samuel 13:19, Jeremiah 6:26), a stark metaphor that even Jesus invokes (Matthew 11:21). Ashes also signify an inner attitude of repentance, humility, self-denial, and abstinence.
Lenten humility is not an end in itself, some act of morbid self-hatred or self-denial. Unlike the implications of the scientific outlook, Lent anticipates and culminates in the Easter celebration of resurrection life. Whatever else Christians believe, we believe that God in Christ will vanquish sin and death, and so we're the ultimate optimists who affirm life. But until then, Lent reminds us that Easter's celebration of life must pass through the narrow and bitter way of death. Jesus rose from the dead, but not before he died a real death; our hope is for the same. That's why at this time of year Christians find it entirely healthy and human to "remember death".
Daniel Clendenin
RECTOR'S REPORT TO ANNUAL VESTRY MEETING 22 FEBRUARY 2009
1. I've now been here for 3 years, which isn’t very long. As Cluster Leader and member of almost every other Committee & Board in the Diocese, I attend over 30 diocesan meetings each year. I act as Auditor for many of the parishes in the Free State, and continue to minister to the Precious Blood Sisters in Lesotho. I now also provide a ministry to the staff at the Hospital and Post Office. I’m very grateful that this parish understands that I have many other responsibilities and tolerates my many absences.
2. Numbers: We have had 7 baptisms and 1 funeral. The first time in my whole ministry that I have had more baptisms than funerals. The number of baptised parishioners has increased slightly to 132, including about 34 children, in 61 family units. Christmas attendance was 78, 30% up on 2007, and Easter 110, up 16%. Average Sunday communicants are 61 – an 11% increase. Sunday School numbers haven’t really changed. But, let’s always remember that Jesus commanded us to “feed my sheep” – not to “count my sheep”.
3. Services: The standard of worship in this parish is high – which is our number one priority as Christians. The weekly services at Eliza Liddell Home are very well attended – and growing. All who would like to attend a weekday Eucharist are reminded that they are welcome at Eliza Liddell on Thursday mornings at 9am. (Lasts about 35 minutes).
The pre-Christmass spit braai & associated festivities were excellent and all concerned are to be heartily congratulated. Thanks to the Lay Ministers who took Holy Week weekday services – we shall do the same this year. The Bishop’s visit for Confirmation of our own and Intabazwe’s candidates was a blessing. Edwina de Wet has been ordained a Deacon.
4. Groups: It’s a measure of the depth of our spirituality that so many people meet regularly for small group sessions of bible study, prayer and faith-sharing. I hope that more people will join the new Lent Bible Study Group on the Transfiguration on Wednesdays in the Rectory.
5. Finances: Giving by parishioners in Harrismith is not bad, but there is always room for improvement by those who are merely tipping God. Our pledge to the Diocese for this year is R148,500, (12.5% increase) which is the minimum asked for.
The fund-raising raffle raised over R26,000: Many thanks to Gavin Scholefield, to those who donated the prizes, and all concerned. The Guild bought a washing machine and an anonymous donor 2 industrial toasters for the hall.
The Wardens & Treasurer will provide a full financial report and budget.
6. Buildings: The repair of our stained glass windows is now under way. The church gutters have been replaced. The roof on the hall is again leaking after being fixed in 2006. There are still major and very expensive repairs to be done to the church fabric. The Rectory’s garden wall has been painted. We no longer have pigeons in the church porch and bats in the church.
7. Tshiame Church of the Resurrection: is our Chapelry. The congregation is now enjoying the spacious new extension. Flooring, ceiling & furniture remain to be achieved.
8. Intabazwe Church of the Transfiguration: is our nearest Anglican neighbour. Fr Isaac Rustoff and I work together to a certain extent. The Guild continues to support with mealie meal the poorest of the poor there. We should have more contact with our Anglican neighbours.
9. All Saints Vrede: Support has fallen off and the future of this church needs to be re-considered. Glodel Oertel & her school children use the building on Mondays & Fridays. Fr Tsele Moloi holds the occasional Sunday Bible Study.
10. Social Work: We have continued to support Hope House materially. The Women’s Guild has supported 42nd Hill as mentioned above. We have also supported Eliza Liddell Home for the oldest citizens in Harrismith.
11. Thanks: Churchwardens, Bernard, Bruce & Marjorie. Councillors. Servers. A group of excellent Lay Ministers. Treasurer Martie. Secretary Edwina. Several sidespeople. Guild & others for refreshments, breakfasts, teas. Guild for catering other special occasions, for fund-raising, flower arrangements. Merle & Joan (Scholefield) for gardening. Martie & the Choir for music, without which our worship would be much poorer. Sacristans. Sunday School teachers, Mandy, Karen & Michelle. Too many to mention by name for hospitality, encouragement and other acts of kindness.
1. I've now been here for 3 years, which isn’t very long. As Cluster Leader and member of almost every other Committee & Board in the Diocese, I attend over 30 diocesan meetings each year. I act as Auditor for many of the parishes in the Free State, and continue to minister to the Precious Blood Sisters in Lesotho. I now also provide a ministry to the staff at the Hospital and Post Office. I’m very grateful that this parish understands that I have many other responsibilities and tolerates my many absences.
2. Numbers: We have had 7 baptisms and 1 funeral. The first time in my whole ministry that I have had more baptisms than funerals. The number of baptised parishioners has increased slightly to 132, including about 34 children, in 61 family units. Christmas attendance was 78, 30% up on 2007, and Easter 110, up 16%. Average Sunday communicants are 61 – an 11% increase. Sunday School numbers haven’t really changed. But, let’s always remember that Jesus commanded us to “feed my sheep” – not to “count my sheep”.
3. Services: The standard of worship in this parish is high – which is our number one priority as Christians. The weekly services at Eliza Liddell Home are very well attended – and growing. All who would like to attend a weekday Eucharist are reminded that they are welcome at Eliza Liddell on Thursday mornings at 9am. (Lasts about 35 minutes).
The pre-Christmass spit braai & associated festivities were excellent and all concerned are to be heartily congratulated. Thanks to the Lay Ministers who took Holy Week weekday services – we shall do the same this year. The Bishop’s visit for Confirmation of our own and Intabazwe’s candidates was a blessing. Edwina de Wet has been ordained a Deacon.
4. Groups: It’s a measure of the depth of our spirituality that so many people meet regularly for small group sessions of bible study, prayer and faith-sharing. I hope that more people will join the new Lent Bible Study Group on the Transfiguration on Wednesdays in the Rectory.
5. Finances: Giving by parishioners in Harrismith is not bad, but there is always room for improvement by those who are merely tipping God. Our pledge to the Diocese for this year is R148,500, (12.5% increase) which is the minimum asked for.
The fund-raising raffle raised over R26,000: Many thanks to Gavin Scholefield, to those who donated the prizes, and all concerned. The Guild bought a washing machine and an anonymous donor 2 industrial toasters for the hall.
The Wardens & Treasurer will provide a full financial report and budget.
6. Buildings: The repair of our stained glass windows is now under way. The church gutters have been replaced. The roof on the hall is again leaking after being fixed in 2006. There are still major and very expensive repairs to be done to the church fabric. The Rectory’s garden wall has been painted. We no longer have pigeons in the church porch and bats in the church.
7. Tshiame Church of the Resurrection: is our Chapelry. The congregation is now enjoying the spacious new extension. Flooring, ceiling & furniture remain to be achieved.
8. Intabazwe Church of the Transfiguration: is our nearest Anglican neighbour. Fr Isaac Rustoff and I work together to a certain extent. The Guild continues to support with mealie meal the poorest of the poor there. We should have more contact with our Anglican neighbours.
9. All Saints Vrede: Support has fallen off and the future of this church needs to be re-considered. Glodel Oertel & her school children use the building on Mondays & Fridays. Fr Tsele Moloi holds the occasional Sunday Bible Study.
10. Social Work: We have continued to support Hope House materially. The Women’s Guild has supported 42nd Hill as mentioned above. We have also supported Eliza Liddell Home for the oldest citizens in Harrismith.
11. Thanks: Churchwardens, Bernard, Bruce & Marjorie. Councillors. Servers. A group of excellent Lay Ministers. Treasurer Martie. Secretary Edwina. Several sidespeople. Guild & others for refreshments, breakfasts, teas. Guild for catering other special occasions, for fund-raising, flower arrangements. Merle & Joan (Scholefield) for gardening. Martie & the Choir for music, without which our worship would be much poorer. Sacristans. Sunday School teachers, Mandy, Karen & Michelle. Too many to mention by name for hospitality, encouragement and other acts of kindness.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine/Cyril/Methodius
On Valentine’s Day you’re asked to buy chocolates, flowers and overpriced cards. You may well ask what Valentine has to do with saints or the sort of love Jesus talks about.
In early days, Romans called one of their gods Lupercus and asked him to protect them from the wolves which roamed the forests. His festival was February 15th when the custom was for the young girls’ names to be written on slips of paper and put in a jar. Each young man drew a slip. The girl whose name was chosen was to be his sweetheart for the year.
After Rome converted to Christianity, the church tried to incorporate this festival into Christianity. The old festival was abolished and replaced with St Valentine’s Day, celebrated the day before the banned Lupercalia.
One Valentine was a priest who was stoned and beheaded in AD 270 because he disobeyed Emperor Claudius’ order not to perform weddings for young people. Claudius believed that if young men were married they would be unwilling to leave their wives to go to war.
As the legend has it, Valentine was imprisoned. But while waiting for his execution he fell in love with the jailer’s blind daughter. Before he was led to his execution, he left her a final testimony of his love for her and signed it “Your Valentine”, which has become synonymous with the day ever since. The legend goes onto say that Valentine died on Feb. 14th.
It’s another example of the church and its message being hijacked and distorted by a society separated from God. What do we do about it? Stop buying chocolates, flowers and cards, and risk the stony silence of the ones we love?
St Valentine has been dropped from the church’s calendar because of his doubtful historicity. On February 14th we’re supposed to be remembering Saints Cyril and Methodius who were 2 Greek monks who went as missionaries to central Europe in 800 and something. At that time Bulgaria and Czechoslovakia didn’t have a written language. So Cyril and Methodius had to invent a new alphabet to represent the spoken language so that they could translate the Bible and Liturgy for the people. The alphabet they invented is called after St Cyril, the Cyrillic Script, which is still used in Russia today.
More important than St Valentine, but ……..
In early days, Romans called one of their gods Lupercus and asked him to protect them from the wolves which roamed the forests. His festival was February 15th when the custom was for the young girls’ names to be written on slips of paper and put in a jar. Each young man drew a slip. The girl whose name was chosen was to be his sweetheart for the year.
After Rome converted to Christianity, the church tried to incorporate this festival into Christianity. The old festival was abolished and replaced with St Valentine’s Day, celebrated the day before the banned Lupercalia.
One Valentine was a priest who was stoned and beheaded in AD 270 because he disobeyed Emperor Claudius’ order not to perform weddings for young people. Claudius believed that if young men were married they would be unwilling to leave their wives to go to war.
As the legend has it, Valentine was imprisoned. But while waiting for his execution he fell in love with the jailer’s blind daughter. Before he was led to his execution, he left her a final testimony of his love for her and signed it “Your Valentine”, which has become synonymous with the day ever since. The legend goes onto say that Valentine died on Feb. 14th.
It’s another example of the church and its message being hijacked and distorted by a society separated from God. What do we do about it? Stop buying chocolates, flowers and cards, and risk the stony silence of the ones we love?
St Valentine has been dropped from the church’s calendar because of his doubtful historicity. On February 14th we’re supposed to be remembering Saints Cyril and Methodius who were 2 Greek monks who went as missionaries to central Europe in 800 and something. At that time Bulgaria and Czechoslovakia didn’t have a written language. So Cyril and Methodius had to invent a new alphabet to represent the spoken language so that they could translate the Bible and Liturgy for the people. The alphabet they invented is called after St Cyril, the Cyrillic Script, which is still used in Russia today.
More important than St Valentine, but ……..
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