Advent 4
Here is a meditation on the Annunciation written by St Bernard about 850 years ago.
From St Bernard:
The whole world waits for Mary’s answer
You have heard that you shall conceive and bear a Son; you have heard that you shall conceive, not of man, but of the Holy Spirit. The angel is waiting for your answer: it is time for him to return to the God who sent him. We too are waiting, O Lady, for the word of pity, even we who are overwhelmed in wretchedness by the sentence of damnation.
And behold, to you the price of our salvation is offered. If you consent, straightway we shall be freed. In the eternal Word of God were we all made, and lo! we die; by one little word of yours in answer shall we all be made alive.
Adam asks this of you, O loving Virgin, poor Adam, exiled as he is from paradise with all his poor wretched children. Abraham begs this of you, and David; this all the holy fathers implore, even your fathers, who themselves are dwelling in the valley of the shadow of death; this the whole world is waiting for, kneeling at your feet.
And rightly so, for on your lips is hanging the consolation of the wretched, the redemption of the captive, the speedy deliverance of all who otherwise are lost; in a word, the salvation of all Adam’s children, of all your race.
Answer, O Virgin, answer the angel speedily; rather, through the angel, answer your Lord. Speak the word and receive the Word; offer what is yours, and conceive what is of God; give what is temporal, and embrace what is eternal.
Why delay? Why tremble? Believe, speak, receive! Let your humility put on boldness, and your modesty be clothed with trust. Not now should your virginal simplicity forget prudence! In this one thing alone, O prudent Virgin, fear not presumption; for although modesty that is silent is pleasing, more needful now is the loving-kindness of your word.
Open, O Blessed Virgin, your heart to faith’ open your lips to speak; open your bosom to your maker. Behold! The Desired of all nations is outside, knocking at your door. Oh! If by your delay he should pass by, and again in sorrow you should have to begin to seek for him for whom your soul longs! Arise, then, run and open. Arise by faith, run by the devotion of your heart, open by your word.
And Mary said: “Behold the hand maid of the Lord: be it done to me according to your word”.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Advent/Christmass Letter
End of Year / Christmass Letter
It’s been a busy year. For meetings, retreats, schools, etc, I travelled to Bloemfontein and or Modderpoort many times. Totalling over 10,000 km (about 6,500 miles). Travelling around the parish was very much easier. (I can walk to most places.)
My Cluster (archdeaconry) is just 6 full-blown parishes and a multitude of small worship centres scattered all over the Eastern Free State. From Villiers in the north-east to Arlington in the West (if you’re looking at a map.) It includes the whole of the previously “independent” homeland of Qwa Qwa. 3 of our congregations have no building at all, but we hope to do something about this in 2009.
My church of St John the Baptist is a traditional stone building which could have been transplanted from anywhere in the UK. It has a pipe organ (one of only 2 in the whole diocese). I have a small chapelry in a distant township – Resurrection Church – which we have extended during the year. It will now hold about 70 people instead of the previous 30 odd. It still needs a ceiling and some furniture but, with a bit of luck, we shall achieve this in the next 6 months or so.
As well as services in our church, I am also chaplain to the hospital staff which involves visiting them at the hospital every Monday morning to start the week with prayer. We have a little service in each ward and in the kitchen. I also have a weekly Eucharist at the old aged home for about 12 people who can’t get to church. For the 1st time, I’ve been asked to go to the post office to pray with the staff next week. When I was a teenager, I worked in a post office for a couple of years so that should be interesting.
My health is good. I managed to break a toe on a supermarket trolley last month. It was entirely my fault and carelessness so I can’t even sue the shop for millions of bucks as if I was in the USA. My diabetes is fully under control – to the point where the diabetes clinic at the University Hospital now only want to see me once a year instead of every 6 months.
When I got back from my last visit to Bloemfontein, I found that my home had been broken into and the computer stolen. A terrible nuisance. I soon got a replacement and am now trying to get the insurance to pay for it. I can do nothing about the lost work except back-up more often than I did.
We had a great spit braai (bar-b-q) last Sunday. Roasted whole a sheep and a pig. A bouncy castle and water slide kept the smaller children happy. Lots of booze kept the older ones even happier! Our singing at the church service was accompanied by a lady ringing Swiss cow bells. This may sound odd but was magnificent.
Our Carols by candlelight is on the 14th and soon after it will be Christmass.
I turned 65 a week ago and am now officially an old-age pensioner. I applied for a pension but don’t know when or if I shall get it. But I have no intention of retiring and hope to go on for as long as my church is happy to have me.
Please visit my website: vicspencer.blogspot.com for pictures, etc. I’ll get it up to date soon.
I wish you all much love, a very blessed Christmass and a happy (I won’t say prosperous, given the world’s economic woes) year in 2009.
It’s been a busy year. For meetings, retreats, schools, etc, I travelled to Bloemfontein and or Modderpoort many times. Totalling over 10,000 km (about 6,500 miles). Travelling around the parish was very much easier. (I can walk to most places.)
My Cluster (archdeaconry) is just 6 full-blown parishes and a multitude of small worship centres scattered all over the Eastern Free State. From Villiers in the north-east to Arlington in the West (if you’re looking at a map.) It includes the whole of the previously “independent” homeland of Qwa Qwa. 3 of our congregations have no building at all, but we hope to do something about this in 2009.
My church of St John the Baptist is a traditional stone building which could have been transplanted from anywhere in the UK. It has a pipe organ (one of only 2 in the whole diocese). I have a small chapelry in a distant township – Resurrection Church – which we have extended during the year. It will now hold about 70 people instead of the previous 30 odd. It still needs a ceiling and some furniture but, with a bit of luck, we shall achieve this in the next 6 months or so.
As well as services in our church, I am also chaplain to the hospital staff which involves visiting them at the hospital every Monday morning to start the week with prayer. We have a little service in each ward and in the kitchen. I also have a weekly Eucharist at the old aged home for about 12 people who can’t get to church. For the 1st time, I’ve been asked to go to the post office to pray with the staff next week. When I was a teenager, I worked in a post office for a couple of years so that should be interesting.
My health is good. I managed to break a toe on a supermarket trolley last month. It was entirely my fault and carelessness so I can’t even sue the shop for millions of bucks as if I was in the USA. My diabetes is fully under control – to the point where the diabetes clinic at the University Hospital now only want to see me once a year instead of every 6 months.
When I got back from my last visit to Bloemfontein, I found that my home had been broken into and the computer stolen. A terrible nuisance. I soon got a replacement and am now trying to get the insurance to pay for it. I can do nothing about the lost work except back-up more often than I did.
We had a great spit braai (bar-b-q) last Sunday. Roasted whole a sheep and a pig. A bouncy castle and water slide kept the smaller children happy. Lots of booze kept the older ones even happier! Our singing at the church service was accompanied by a lady ringing Swiss cow bells. This may sound odd but was magnificent.
Our Carols by candlelight is on the 14th and soon after it will be Christmass.
I turned 65 a week ago and am now officially an old-age pensioner. I applied for a pension but don’t know when or if I shall get it. But I have no intention of retiring and hope to go on for as long as my church is happy to have me.
Please visit my website: vicspencer.blogspot.com for pictures, etc. I’ll get it up to date soon.
I wish you all much love, a very blessed Christmass and a happy (I won’t say prosperous, given the world’s economic woes) year in 2009.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Pew Leaflet Matthew 22:1-14
It’s the Thought that Counts
A frail 80-year-old Jewish mother is celebrating her birthday and her three sons each give her a present:
Harry gives her a new house. Harvey gives her a new car and driver. And Bernie gives her a huge parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
A week later, she calls her three sons together and says:
“Harry, thanks for the nice house, but I only live in one room. Harvey, thanks for the nice car, but I can’t stand the driver.
Bernie, thanks for giving your mother something she could really enjoy. That chicken was delicious.
A frail 80-year-old Jewish mother is celebrating her birthday and her three sons each give her a present:
Harry gives her a new house. Harvey gives her a new car and driver. And Bernie gives her a huge parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
A week later, she calls her three sons together and says:
“Harry, thanks for the nice house, but I only live in one room. Harvey, thanks for the nice car, but I can’t stand the driver.
Bernie, thanks for giving your mother something she could really enjoy. That chicken was delicious.
Pew Leaflet Matthew 22:1-14
Shape the Future With God
We tend to think of weddings as celebrations of love and romance. Hearts and flowers. People finding their soulmate, the love of their lives. But in Jesus’ day – and in most of human history – that wasn’t what they were about at all. They were about inheritance. They were about creating a family so that you could have children to continue your line, to carry on your work, to keep the family name alive.
Weddings were about the future – creating a new generation. And if that’s true for ordinary weddings it is even more true for Royal weddings. They are about the future not just of an individual family but of a whole nation. English history has been shaped by anxieties and disputes over Royal marriages and the ability of monarchs to bear legitimate children to succeed them.
When the king in Jesus’ story invites his guests to the wedding of his son, he isn’t just inviting them to a celebration. He isn’t just offering them a good night out. He is inviting them to welcome the future with him, to be part of that future that this new royal couple will create. A new age for the nation. He expects that these guests he has invited will want to be there, want to be part of that new kingdom, in on it from the beginning, working with him to secure it.
We are all capable of behaving like these guests. We’re called to be part of the future – shaping it with God. The phrase the Bible uses to describe this future is “the kingdom of Heaven”. That doesn’t mean life after death. It’s not pie in the sky when you die. The kingdom of heaven is the world God calls us to create with him, here and now, where we are.
It’s a call that comes in many forms. It may be a call to care for the world, threatened by global warming and economic injustice. It may be a call to care for our communities, warped by the pressures to succeed, achieve, have more and do more. It may be a call to care for ourselves, to grow in peace, patience, wisdom, to create relationships that sustain. All these things shape the future.
We tend to think of weddings as celebrations of love and romance. Hearts and flowers. People finding their soulmate, the love of their lives. But in Jesus’ day – and in most of human history – that wasn’t what they were about at all. They were about inheritance. They were about creating a family so that you could have children to continue your line, to carry on your work, to keep the family name alive.
Weddings were about the future – creating a new generation. And if that’s true for ordinary weddings it is even more true for Royal weddings. They are about the future not just of an individual family but of a whole nation. English history has been shaped by anxieties and disputes over Royal marriages and the ability of monarchs to bear legitimate children to succeed them.
When the king in Jesus’ story invites his guests to the wedding of his son, he isn’t just inviting them to a celebration. He isn’t just offering them a good night out. He is inviting them to welcome the future with him, to be part of that future that this new royal couple will create. A new age for the nation. He expects that these guests he has invited will want to be there, want to be part of that new kingdom, in on it from the beginning, working with him to secure it.
We are all capable of behaving like these guests. We’re called to be part of the future – shaping it with God. The phrase the Bible uses to describe this future is “the kingdom of Heaven”. That doesn’t mean life after death. It’s not pie in the sky when you die. The kingdom of heaven is the world God calls us to create with him, here and now, where we are.
It’s a call that comes in many forms. It may be a call to care for the world, threatened by global warming and economic injustice. It may be a call to care for our communities, warped by the pressures to succeed, achieve, have more and do more. It may be a call to care for ourselves, to grow in peace, patience, wisdom, to create relationships that sustain. All these things shape the future.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
A Sermon for St Francis' Day, October 4th.
October 5th ST FRANCIS HARRISMITH 2008
Yesterday was St Francis’ Day. As a member of the Society of St Francis, I’m supposed to preach at least one sermon per year on St Francis or the Franciscans. I don’t always do so, but when his day comes so close to a Sunday like this, I try to keep to the rule.
St Francis of Assisi is one of the most popular of the great saints. People who don’t know much about any other saint will have heard about St Francis and his friendship with all of God’s creation. Or from reading some of the many books written about him, or seeing one of the many films made of his life.
He was the son of a wealthy fabric merchant and never had to do a day’s work in his life. With his similarly rich friends, living off their fathers’ hard work, he had a great life, painting the town red on a regular basis. It was a completely selfish life, looking only for self-satisfaction.
He joined the army when war broke out and got a fever which nearly killed him. It was while he was so sick that he began to think about how pointless his life was. He started praying. Kneeling in front of a simple crucifix, Francis had a vision. The figure of Jesus on the cross came to life and called on Francis to “Rebuild my Church”.
At first, Francis thought that Jesus meant a little chapel building which was falling down in the valley and, when he was well, he began to rebuild it with his own hands. To finance this work, he sold a deal of his father’s cloth. His father caught him, charged him, got his money back and disowned his son.
But soon Francis realised that God was rather calling him to devote all his boundless youthful energy and talents, previously wasted on selfish things, to rebuild the Church to what it was before it had become very worldly and rich.
The Holy Spirit truly converted him; he revolted against the traps of riches and possessions and devoted himself to a simple life of poverty. He called poverty “Lady Poverty” and dedicated himself to serving the poor – both those who had nothing of the world’s good things and those who didn’t know how much they needed God.
And his lifestyle transformed the church.
He wrote plays and acted them out. He composed poetry and music. The well-known song “Make me an Instrument of thy peace”, Bernard’s favourite, is credited to Francis. He also wrote a Canticle of the Sun which has come down to us as the hymn All Creatures of our God and King, which we shall sing shortly. He’s credited with inventing the Christmass Carol service which we now take for granted – but it was the first time that popular Christmass songs were sung in church instead of Latin chant. His Nativity Play included real animals instead of children dressed up.
His living faith in Jesus witnessed to the challenge of the Gospel. He wasn’t one of the wicked tenants in the vineyard in today’s Gospel who gave God nothing of the fruit he expected.
Within 3 years he attracted 5,000 followers of his new way of poverty, chastity and obedience. 5,000 people who lived in Gospel faith and simplicity.
In the process he aroused the whole of society and made lots of enemies, especially among those who were making themselves rich within the church. But uncountable thousands besides those who joined him, discovered the joy of putting Christ’s principles into practice in their own lives. He was truly rebuilding the Church as Jesus had challenged him.
The Church, as well as society always needs such a challenge. People today are longing for a living faith, longing to be delivered from a sick and violent society; longing for an escape from corruption, self-indulgence, hypocrisy and double standards. In a way, we all long to be Franciscans. We long for our own renewal, the renewal of Church and society.
Not all of us are called to be set apart as monks and nuns like Francis. But we can try to adapt his ideals – which are the ideals of the Gospel and our Lord Jesus Christ – to our own situations. I try to do this by having a proper respect for the sanctity of all life, refusing to take part in war and violence. By working for the good of other people through the church, charitable organisations, SPCA and so on. By supporting them with my money as well as with my time. By being hospitable to people who call on me. By sharing the blessings which God has given me. By tithing my income to God’s work.
For me, this is a beginning of an attempt to follow the Gospel as inspired by St Francis. I’ve sometimes wondered, first as teenager, if I shouldn’t have left the security and comfort of the life I have to join the Franciscan monastery.
Our whole church and society needs the Franciscan challenge and new life in the Spirit. We can all try rather harder in the power of the Holy Spirit to transform the Church. Jesus says to us, just as much as he did to St Francis: “Rebuild my Church”. Amen.
Yesterday was St Francis’ Day. As a member of the Society of St Francis, I’m supposed to preach at least one sermon per year on St Francis or the Franciscans. I don’t always do so, but when his day comes so close to a Sunday like this, I try to keep to the rule.
St Francis of Assisi is one of the most popular of the great saints. People who don’t know much about any other saint will have heard about St Francis and his friendship with all of God’s creation. Or from reading some of the many books written about him, or seeing one of the many films made of his life.
He was the son of a wealthy fabric merchant and never had to do a day’s work in his life. With his similarly rich friends, living off their fathers’ hard work, he had a great life, painting the town red on a regular basis. It was a completely selfish life, looking only for self-satisfaction.
He joined the army when war broke out and got a fever which nearly killed him. It was while he was so sick that he began to think about how pointless his life was. He started praying. Kneeling in front of a simple crucifix, Francis had a vision. The figure of Jesus on the cross came to life and called on Francis to “Rebuild my Church”.
At first, Francis thought that Jesus meant a little chapel building which was falling down in the valley and, when he was well, he began to rebuild it with his own hands. To finance this work, he sold a deal of his father’s cloth. His father caught him, charged him, got his money back and disowned his son.
But soon Francis realised that God was rather calling him to devote all his boundless youthful energy and talents, previously wasted on selfish things, to rebuild the Church to what it was before it had become very worldly and rich.
The Holy Spirit truly converted him; he revolted against the traps of riches and possessions and devoted himself to a simple life of poverty. He called poverty “Lady Poverty” and dedicated himself to serving the poor – both those who had nothing of the world’s good things and those who didn’t know how much they needed God.
And his lifestyle transformed the church.
He wrote plays and acted them out. He composed poetry and music. The well-known song “Make me an Instrument of thy peace”, Bernard’s favourite, is credited to Francis. He also wrote a Canticle of the Sun which has come down to us as the hymn All Creatures of our God and King, which we shall sing shortly. He’s credited with inventing the Christmass Carol service which we now take for granted – but it was the first time that popular Christmass songs were sung in church instead of Latin chant. His Nativity Play included real animals instead of children dressed up.
His living faith in Jesus witnessed to the challenge of the Gospel. He wasn’t one of the wicked tenants in the vineyard in today’s Gospel who gave God nothing of the fruit he expected.
Within 3 years he attracted 5,000 followers of his new way of poverty, chastity and obedience. 5,000 people who lived in Gospel faith and simplicity.
In the process he aroused the whole of society and made lots of enemies, especially among those who were making themselves rich within the church. But uncountable thousands besides those who joined him, discovered the joy of putting Christ’s principles into practice in their own lives. He was truly rebuilding the Church as Jesus had challenged him.
The Church, as well as society always needs such a challenge. People today are longing for a living faith, longing to be delivered from a sick and violent society; longing for an escape from corruption, self-indulgence, hypocrisy and double standards. In a way, we all long to be Franciscans. We long for our own renewal, the renewal of Church and society.
Not all of us are called to be set apart as monks and nuns like Francis. But we can try to adapt his ideals – which are the ideals of the Gospel and our Lord Jesus Christ – to our own situations. I try to do this by having a proper respect for the sanctity of all life, refusing to take part in war and violence. By working for the good of other people through the church, charitable organisations, SPCA and so on. By supporting them with my money as well as with my time. By being hospitable to people who call on me. By sharing the blessings which God has given me. By tithing my income to God’s work.
For me, this is a beginning of an attempt to follow the Gospel as inspired by St Francis. I’ve sometimes wondered, first as teenager, if I shouldn’t have left the security and comfort of the life I have to join the Franciscan monastery.
Our whole church and society needs the Franciscan challenge and new life in the Spirit. We can all try rather harder in the power of the Holy Spirit to transform the Church. Jesus says to us, just as much as he did to St Francis: “Rebuild my Church”. Amen.
This is only a joke - change denominations to suit your preference
Choose your Denomination
An Anglican priest and a Methodist minister were flying back from an ecumenical conference.
“Would you like a drink, sir?” the flight-attendant asked the Anglican. “Yes, thanks. I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”
“Would you like a drink sir?” she asked the Methodist.
“Madam, I’d rather commit adultery than drink your liquor!”
“Wait a minute,” says the Anglican. “I didn’t know that was the choice!”
An Anglican priest and a Methodist minister were flying back from an ecumenical conference.
“Would you like a drink, sir?” the flight-attendant asked the Anglican. “Yes, thanks. I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”
“Would you like a drink sir?” she asked the Methodist.
“Madam, I’d rather commit adultery than drink your liquor!”
“Wait a minute,” says the Anglican. “I didn’t know that was the choice!”
Where do pets come from?
Where Do Pets Come From?
This Chapter of Genesis was found in the Dead Sea Scrolls. It could shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, “I am lonely and it is hard for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have named all the animals and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts like a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.
This was sent to me by an anonymous donor.
This Chapter of Genesis was found in the Dead Sea Scrolls. It could shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, “I am lonely and it is hard for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have named all the animals and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts like a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.
This was sent to me by an anonymous donor.
Sermon
Actions Speak Louder than Words
In today’s gospel Jesus deals with two brothers talking to their father about working in the vineyard.
One said he would go and work, but he didn’t.
The other said he wouldn’t go to work, but he actually did go and work.
Jesus’ point is that the one who actually worked is the one who was more honest. Because actions speak louder than words.
In today’s gospel Jesus deals with two brothers talking to their father about working in the vineyard.
One said he would go and work, but he didn’t.
The other said he wouldn’t go to work, but he actually did go and work.
Jesus’ point is that the one who actually worked is the one who was more honest. Because actions speak louder than words.
Monday, September 22, 2008
English Can Be Difficult
Two elderly American Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in an Oslo restaurant one day. Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Norway?'
‘I don't know,’ says Al. ‘Let's ask our waiter.’
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Say Ole, are there any Norwegian Jews in Oslo?'
'I don't know sir,’ says Ole. ‘I ask the cooks.'
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, 'No sir, the cooks say there is no Norwegian Jews.'
Al isn't satisfied and asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
Ole's waiter, realizing he is dealing with foreigners replies, 'I check once again, sir!' and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Norway. Our people are scattered everywhere.'
Ole returns and says, 'Sir, the head cook Thor say there is no Norwegian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asks again. 'I just can't believe there are no Norwegian Jews!'
'Sir, I ask everyone,' replies the exasperated Ole, 'All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Grapefruit Jews and Tomato Jews.
Two elderly American Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in an Oslo restaurant one day. Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Norway?'
‘I don't know,’ says Al. ‘Let's ask our waiter.’
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Say Ole, are there any Norwegian Jews in Oslo?'
'I don't know sir,’ says Ole. ‘I ask the cooks.'
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, 'No sir, the cooks say there is no Norwegian Jews.'
Al isn't satisfied and asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
Ole's waiter, realizing he is dealing with foreigners replies, 'I check once again, sir!' and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Norway. Our people are scattered everywhere.'
Ole returns and says, 'Sir, the head cook Thor say there is no Norwegian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asks again. 'I just can't believe there are no Norwegian Jews!'
'Sir, I ask everyone,' replies the exasperated Ole, 'All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Grapefruit Jews and Tomato Jews.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
From the Pew Leaflet
Explosive Advice
A tough old cowboy counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun-powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103, when he died.
He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren and a deep hole in the ground where the crematorium used to be.
A tough old cowboy counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun-powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103, when he died.
He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren and a deep hole in the ground where the crematorium used to be.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Health Tips
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you.
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life.
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you.
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life.
Desperate for Forgiveness
Ernest Hemingway told this story.
He said that in Spain the name Paco is a very common name.
One day a father went to Madrid and put an ad in the local paper that said: “Paco, meet me at the Hotel Montana at noon Wednesday. All is forgiven. Signed, Papa.”
On Wednesday of that week, the hotel had to call for the police to break up the crowd that had gathered, because about 800 young men named Paco had shown up at the hotel, each one desperately hoping that he was the one who was being forgiven.
May the Spirit of God so rule in our hearts that we may find peace and life in reconciliation with our neighbours and with God.
Ernest Hemingway told this story.
He said that in Spain the name Paco is a very common name.
One day a father went to Madrid and put an ad in the local paper that said: “Paco, meet me at the Hotel Montana at noon Wednesday. All is forgiven. Signed, Papa.”
On Wednesday of that week, the hotel had to call for the police to break up the crowd that had gathered, because about 800 young men named Paco had shown up at the hotel, each one desperately hoping that he was the one who was being forgiven.
May the Spirit of God so rule in our hearts that we may find peace and life in reconciliation with our neighbours and with God.
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