The Pastor's Ass
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race, and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race..
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is:
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
True Hospital Stories
These are all good and apparently true British hospital stories.
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a *'massive internal fart.' *
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
\Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent \
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked ..' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a *'massive internal fart.' *
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
\Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent \
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked ..' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Genesis Today
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
The children in the Kindergarten class seemed to be very intense as they drew a picture of how Eve was created.
Later in the week the mother of one of the kindergarten boys noticed him lying down as though he were ill. “I have a pain in my side,” said the boy. “I think I’m going to have a wife.”
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
The children in the Kindergarten class seemed to be very intense as they drew a picture of how Eve was created.
Later in the week the mother of one of the kindergarten boys noticed him lying down as though he were ill. “I have a pain in my side,” said the boy. “I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Christ the King
Christ the King of All
Shortly after her Coronation, Queen Victoria attended a splendid performance of Handel’s Messiah. She’d been told in no uncertain terms that members of royalty do not stand with everybody else when the Hallelujah Chorus is sung. It was simply not proper.
But when the singers lifted their voices to shout “Hallelujah, the Lord omnipotent reigneth”, she cold only just stay in her seat. She didn’t want to violate the traditions of royalty.
And when the chorus came to the climax, proclaiming Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, repeating the phrase with increasing crescendos, the queen of all England and the British Empire rose and bowed her head before Jesus Christ, the King of all – including all earthly kings and queens.
There will come that day when every knee in heaven and earth will bow before him, “And he shall reign for ever and ever! King of Kings and Lord of Lords!”
Shortly after her Coronation, Queen Victoria attended a splendid performance of Handel’s Messiah. She’d been told in no uncertain terms that members of royalty do not stand with everybody else when the Hallelujah Chorus is sung. It was simply not proper.
But when the singers lifted their voices to shout “Hallelujah, the Lord omnipotent reigneth”, she cold only just stay in her seat. She didn’t want to violate the traditions of royalty.
And when the chorus came to the climax, proclaiming Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, repeating the phrase with increasing crescendos, the queen of all England and the British Empire rose and bowed her head before Jesus Christ, the King of all – including all earthly kings and queens.
There will come that day when every knee in heaven and earth will bow before him, “And he shall reign for ever and ever! King of Kings and Lord of Lords!”
Christ the King
Christ the King of All
Shortly after her Coronation, Queen Victoria attended a splendid performance of Handel’s Messiah. She’d been told in no uncertain terms that members of royalty do not stand with everybody else when the Hallelujah Chorus is sung. It was simply not proper.
But when the singers lifted their voices to shout “Hallelujah, the Lord omnipotent reigneth”, she cold only just stay in her seat. She didn’t want to violate the traditions of royalty.
And when the chorus came to the climax, proclaiming Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, repeating the phrase with increasing crescendos, the queen of all England and the British Empire rose and bowed her head before Jesus Christ, the King of all – including all earthly kings and queens.
There will come that day when every knee in heaven and earth will bow before him, “And he shall reign for ever and ever! King of Kings and Lord of Lords!”
Shortly after her Coronation, Queen Victoria attended a splendid performance of Handel’s Messiah. She’d been told in no uncertain terms that members of royalty do not stand with everybody else when the Hallelujah Chorus is sung. It was simply not proper.
But when the singers lifted their voices to shout “Hallelujah, the Lord omnipotent reigneth”, she cold only just stay in her seat. She didn’t want to violate the traditions of royalty.
And when the chorus came to the climax, proclaiming Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, repeating the phrase with increasing crescendos, the queen of all England and the British Empire rose and bowed her head before Jesus Christ, the King of all – including all earthly kings and queens.
There will come that day when every knee in heaven and earth will bow before him, “And he shall reign for ever and ever! King of Kings and Lord of Lords!”
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