Just Add Water
Comedian Yakov Smirnoff: when he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk—you just add water, and you get milk.
Then I saw powdered orange juice--you just add water, and you get orange juice.
And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to myself,
"What a country!"
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Believe it or Not
The Bishop of the Arctic many years ago put together a team to translate the Bible into the Inuit language.
The team found it hard to find the correct translation for the word “joy,” which was important because it is used in the New Testament at least 60 times. They could find 37 words for snow but that wasn’t helpful.
So one day the Bishop said to the Eskimo people: “Look at those huskies over there. They have finished their work for the day. The word we want is the word that describes what those huskies are experiencing.”
Some months later, when the Inuit Bible translation was completed, it was Easter at a local church and this is the English equivalent of what the congregation heard when a woman got up to read the lesson:
“The disciples were in the upper room for fear of discovery and Jesus appeared to them. And when the disciples saw the Lord they wagged their tails!”
The Bishop of the Arctic many years ago put together a team to translate the Bible into the Inuit language.
The team found it hard to find the correct translation for the word “joy,” which was important because it is used in the New Testament at least 60 times. They could find 37 words for snow but that wasn’t helpful.
So one day the Bishop said to the Eskimo people: “Look at those huskies over there. They have finished their work for the day. The word we want is the word that describes what those huskies are experiencing.”
Some months later, when the Inuit Bible translation was completed, it was Easter at a local church and this is the English equivalent of what the congregation heard when a woman got up to read the lesson:
“The disciples were in the upper room for fear of discovery and Jesus appeared to them. And when the disciples saw the Lord they wagged their tails!”
Evolution vs Creationism
Evolution vs Creationism
A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'
A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'
Heavenly Surprise
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp:
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why's everyone so quiet,
So sombre - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
At the thought of seeing you.'
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp:
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why's everyone so quiet,
So sombre - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
At the thought of seeing you.'
Plenty of Room in Heaven
Revelation 21:16 "The city lies foursquare, its length the same as its width; and he measured the city with his rod, fifteen hundred miles; its length and width and height are equal."
So assuming that these measurements, and their translation into English, are anything like accurate, the New Jerusalem is a cube, 1500 miles on a side. If we divide this cube into smaller cubes, one half mile on a side, then we could have 3000 floors, each floor containing nine million quarter sections (i.e. one quarter of a square mile, 160 acres each with the ceiling a half mile overhead. Since there's no marriage, we'll each get to homestead our own quarter section, living a half mile from our nearest neighbour in any direction. That's twenty-seven billion residents!
Once that's filled up we start building the subdivisions.
If you figure each of the 3000 floors is "reserved" for one generation of people. And that a generation is 20 years (give or take).
Then the world will end precisely 60,020 years after the creation of Adam and Eve.
Let's see, some folks figure it was 4000 years from Adam to Abraham; and another 4000 from Abraham to Christ.
It’s been roughly 2000 since Christ.
That's 10,000 years.
Which means we have another 50,020 years to go.
Revelation 21:16 "The city lies foursquare, its length the same as its width; and he measured the city with his rod, fifteen hundred miles; its length and width and height are equal."
So assuming that these measurements, and their translation into English, are anything like accurate, the New Jerusalem is a cube, 1500 miles on a side. If we divide this cube into smaller cubes, one half mile on a side, then we could have 3000 floors, each floor containing nine million quarter sections (i.e. one quarter of a square mile, 160 acres each with the ceiling a half mile overhead. Since there's no marriage, we'll each get to homestead our own quarter section, living a half mile from our nearest neighbour in any direction. That's twenty-seven billion residents!
Once that's filled up we start building the subdivisions.
If you figure each of the 3000 floors is "reserved" for one generation of people. And that a generation is 20 years (give or take).
Then the world will end precisely 60,020 years after the creation of Adam and Eve.
Let's see, some folks figure it was 4000 years from Adam to Abraham; and another 4000 from Abraham to Christ.
It’s been roughly 2000 since Christ.
That's 10,000 years.
Which means we have another 50,020 years to go.
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